I wasn’t sure about publishing this post. I think it has a good chance of getting misinterpreted by some people, and being used as an excuse to punch down. That’s the opposite of its purpose, but you need to read to the end to see how. Please either read the whole thing or read nothing at all.
I used to be transphobic.
When the world tells you the same thing again and again and again, it can become lodged in your head.
For example, the world tells you that there are only men and women, and nothing in between. And that men are always a certain way, and women are always a certain way. And that men can’t become women, and women can’t become men.
Each lie builds on the previous.
I never believed this lie. I always knew that people could change gender.
Because of this, I thought that I wasn’t transphobic. But looking back, it’s kind of the wrong question.
I never believed this lie. I always knew that women and men did not need to be a certain way.
Because of this, I thought that I wasn’t misogynistic or transphobic.
However, I did think that trans women needed to ‘pass’ and be feminine, which is complete rubbish, and a made up idea. And this contradicts my belief that women and men don’t need to be a certain way. But I pulled off some mental gymnastics to make it work, maybe out of internalised shame or something.
I used to believe this lie. I thought that non-binary people didn’t exist. I thought it wasn’t a real thing.
I think I was ashamed and embarrassed about feeling different. I had such a strong reaction to non-binary stuff because… in my heart, I knew that I was non-binary myself, and that was scary. It felt easier and safer to just say I’m a woman.
I don’t believe those lies anymore, and things are better, but it took me a long time to unlearn them.
The fun (not fun) part is that I’m now subjected to other people’s transphobia and misogyny instead.
Sometimes this is from cisgender (not trans) people, and sometimes this is from transgender (not cis) people. I don’t know if one’s better than the other, but they seem to take the same shape.
A lot of the time, trans people don’t believe me when I tell them that I like any pronoun, and either name is fine.
They tell me that “you’re not accepting your true self”, which is funny because that’s the exact same thing that some transphobic cis people tell me too.
Some trans people take one look at me and tell me what to do in order to ‘pass’ better. “Do this with your hair” and “Wear these clothes” and “You’ll look more like a woman”.
The problem is that they think they know what I want to ‘pass’ as. And these suggestions are often rooted in misogyny, originating from assumptions of what they think a woman should look like.
Funnily enough, cis people tell me the exact same thing. “Do this with your hair” and “Wear these clothes” and “You’ll like more like a man”.
“It’s just a phase. You’ll soon realise you’re a woman.”
“It’s just a phase. You’ll soon realise you’re a man.”
Do you see it yet?
“I see you as a man.”
“I see you as a woman.”
With some people, I don’t seem to have a say in the matter.
Some cis people use my non-binary-ness as a stick to attack other trans people. I tell them I’m happy with any pronoun, and they say “Oh thank god. Not like some of those other trans people.”
Some trans people on social media try to appease these terfs by being ‘one of the good ones’, submitting to any dehumanising whim and demand that they demand.
Every trans person is allowed to express their gender in any way they want. There’s no “one true way” of transitioning, or being yourself.
Some trans people lean into hyper-feminity, or hyper-masculinity. Some trans people lean into hyper-androgyny and fluidity. Source: It’s my friends.
However you express yourself, it’s completely fine. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re being trans ‘wrong’.
I’ve had doubts about publishing this post. I’ve gone back and forth on it for sure. Mainly because, what good does it do to point the finger at other people in the queer community? We should be grouping together, not pulling apart.
So I’ve rewritten this post a few times. I’m still worried about how it steers close to some terf dog whistles, but I really want to get it out there because I want to say one thing:
When someone is hateful, it has a knock-on effect. It gets carried along to someone else, who carries it on to someone else, and so on.
I struggle to think about how many cycles of transphobia I’ve started:
It only takes one person to start a cycle.
Likewise, it only takes one person to stop a cycle. And that person…………… could be you.
One way of breaking the cycle is through humour. By satirising, parodying, mocking the transphobia… its power gets weaker.
It’s wrong to say that I’m completely un-transphobic now. There’s no way I’ve got rid of all my learned bias and prejudice. And I think it’s good to try to become more aware of my own misconceptions over time.
I could say the same for my perceptions of race, class, age, disability, and so on. I hear alarm bells when someone says they don’t have any biases at all. We’re human. Everyone does. What matters is how you learn to be aware of them, and overcome them, and grow. This comes from listening and empathising with other people.
I think I’ve been pretty open here with some of my journey. You’re welcome to judge me however you want.
Back to the biasblogarden.