How to misgender me

A guide.

I use any pronoun, which means you can refer to me by any pronoun: “he” or “she” or “they”.

Some people think this means it’s impossible to get my pronouns wrong / misgender me. But that’s not true.

It’s very possible to misgender me. I know this because it happens a lot. People often get my pronouns wrong.

So if you don’t know how to misgender me, this guide is for you! I’ll cover many different ways to do it. Here we go.

“Lu only uses they/them pronouns”

This is not true. This is you getting my pronouns wrong.

“Lu, who uses they/them pronouns, …”

When you say this, it sounds like I only use they/them pronouns, and this is not true. This is you getting my pronouns wrong.

“Lu’s pronouns are they/them.”

This is not true. My pronouns are he/she/they.

“Lu uses they/them pronouns.”

Woah, this one is context-dependent. It’s technically true, but it often implies that I only use they/them pronouns. Be careful. Don’t get it wrong. Only use this sentence when the context allows it.

“Lu uses it/its pronouns.”

When I say “any” pronoun, it’s clear from the cultural context that I am referring to the “he” and “she” and “they” pronouns because they’re the ones we use to refer to people, and that’s relevant to me because I am a person (despite the rumours).

I guess this works differently in other languages / cultures. Translate accordingly.

“Lu should really stick with she/her pronouns.”

No I shouldn’t.

“Lu should really stick with they/them pronouns.”

No I shouldn’t.

“Lu should really stick with he/him pronouns.”

No I shouldn’t.

“But which one are you?”

Listen, it’s very convenient for you that any pronoun works for me. It’s very easy. It’s actually quite hard to get it wrong. It’s not complicated. Just pick one.

It’s not a fuss. It shouldn’t be a fuss. But you can certainly make it one.

I remember the day when I knew for sure / The day when I really knew who I was. Many years ago, when someone I knew / someone refused to accept my “any” pronoun, causing a fuss / a scene, asking / prodding me with questions but not in a nice way.

When the misgendering happens, you quickly find out who your friends are / who’s your friend, and also who isn’t / who isn’t your friend, and on top of that:

From the feelings you get, you get some glimpse of what you really want / what feels wrong / what feels right.

And sometimes a glimpse is all you need!

Just like you, I didn’t choose to be the way I am. Just like you, I have no choice on what my pronouns are. Maybe they’ll change, maybe they won’t. But they are what they are right now, and not because that’s what I wanted them to be.

I didn’t pick them because they’re easy. I didn’t pick them because they’re hard. No, just like you, I didn’t pick them!

But one thing I would say is:

I’m not afraid of my pronouns being annoying / bothersome / tedious to other people. I know that, as trans people, we’re sometimes compelled to shrink and disappear: Into stealth, where we don’t stand out or cause any kind of trouble at all.

And I refuse to do that! I will continue being annoyingly visibly queer, increasingly so, and if you are queer too, I invite you to join me.

Back to the sky.